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For Parents: Dealing with Challenging Behavior

DEALING WITH CHALLENGING BEHAVIOR

- From The Master Teacher, Inc.
 


We all know how crucial it is to demonstrate the worth and importance of the child.  This does not mean to accept his or her misbehavior, but to accept the person.

  

Actions that are helpful:

  • Regardless of the situation, do not get into a "yes you will" contest with the child.  Silence is a more effective response.
     
  • Maintain your dignity, and try not to raise your voice or argue with the child.
     
  • Use the "Third-Person" technique.  You are the outlet, not the cause, for the child's challenging behavior (unless you are shouting, arguing, or attempting to handle him or her with sarcasm). Therefore, don't take the defiance personally.  Rather, say, "John, what's the matter?  That doesn't sound like you," or "What's making you so upset?"  By using this approach, even if it doesn't reflect your feelings, you place yourself in the position of a third person who can help rather than affront, and you can maintain both your dignity and your position of authority.
     
  • If a child says, "I won't do it," or "You can't make me," don't let the child make you believe his or her defiance is directed toward you.  Again, become a third-party participant by saying in a questioning or confused way, "What's the matter?" or "That's not like you."  This reaction may not agree with your feelings, but it will produce the best results.  Follow this response with "What happened to make you so upset?" or "Is there anything I can do to help you?"  If the child replies, "Yes, get off my back," try not to lose your composure.  Rather, continue using the third-person stance, so the problem has a chance for a solution rather than an escalation.
  • Tell your child yes or no, and why, in a respectful and considerate way.  Never make him or her look foolish.  Explain why your decision is best for all concerned. 
     
  • Remind your child of his or her choice to do it your way or as he or she wishes.  Emphasize that he or she must be prepared to face the consequences. 
  • The "Delayed Parent Reaction" also works well.  For example, if a child says, "I won't do it," do not say anything for a moment.  Rather, look at him or her in surprise and say, "I don't think I heard you."  This response gives the child a chance to retract the statement, to change unacceptable behavior into an apology without a reprimand.  If your situation with the child has already deteriorated to the point that you could not use this approach in front of other children, then do it privately.  This problem cannot be handled effectively past this point publicly.  Sometimes, you can only try to quiet the child by saying, "Let's not talk about it here.  Let's talk later when you can tell me everything that's on your mind."
     
  • Use the "Caution-Warning" technique. Immediately say, "I know you're upset or you wouldn't have said that, but let's not say that anymore."  This simple statement can prevent a discipline situation from developing.  In addition, this parent action lets your child know that you are aware of the situation, and gives him or her a second chance to respond in appropriate ways.  If your child keeps pushing, which is less likely, he or she is aware of having erred twice … and is doubly responsible for the action.  If he or she doesn't realize this double mistake, you can use it as your beginning in a private conversation.  In the meantime, adult control and dignity can be maintained.
  • Speak to the child one-on-one in a quiet, private, neutral place.  Always hear your child out, privately.  Do not provide an audience. Recognize the child's need for attention and recognition.  Without attention from you, he or she will seek it from another source.
  • Be caring, but honest.  Tell your child exactly what it is that is causing problems as far as you are concerned.  Be sure you listen to him or her as well.  In the process, insist upon one rule: that you both be respectful.
     
  • Avoid power struggles with your child.
     
  • Give the child some appropriate responsibilities.
     
  • Look for various group activities so the child can have different experiences with peers.
     
  • Listen carefully to this child.  Let him or her talk freely.  Try not to interrupt until he or she finishes.
     
  • Ask if time alone would help, but don't force it on the child prior to talking about it.  Such "surprises" will only make him or her more oppositional.
     
  • Make the child a part of any plan to change behavior.  He or she needs to be part of the team.
     
  • Be very specific in telling the child what behavior is unacceptable.
     
  • Be consistent.
     

Actions that are not helpful:

  • Dealing with the child in front of others, rather than on a one-to-one basis in private.
     
  • Involving other children or trying to get other children “on your side”.
  • Trying to appease the child.
     
  • Assigning harsh punishments.
     
  • Issuing threats which you are really not prepared to carry out or capable of carrying out.
  • Not following through with consequences.
     
  • Being unclear or inconsistent with expectations. 

     

Adapted from: http://www.disciplinehelp.com/parent